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BREAKING NEWS: Harry Kane Accused of War Crimes After Not Including the Women’s Euros Win in His Post-Match Interview
England captain Harry Kane has come under intense fire this week after making the heinous, unforgivable, utterly monstrous comment that:
“England haven’t won anything for a long time.”
Naturally, this has triggered a Category 5 social media meltdown.
#whataboutthelionesses is now trending, and there are calls for Kane to be stripped of the armband, his boots, and possibly even his children.
Because apparently, when he said “England”, he was supposed to say:
“England, including the women’s team, whose achievements should be merged seamlessly into the history of the men’s game, despite being a separate league, separate tournament, with different sponsors, viewership, and commercial structures.”
In woke footy fantasyland, every game should have the same spotlight – regardless of whether the ball was kicked with any meaningful force or whether the keeper could reach the crossbar without a stepladder.
Silly Harry. He forgot the mandatory woke disclaimer.
To be fair, the Lionesses did win the Euros.
And they deserve huge credit.
But comparing that to the men’s World Cup drought is like giving someone a Michelin star for successfully heating soup in a microwave.
Of course, you can’t say that out loud.
Because if you dare suggest that the men’s and women’s games are, in fact, different sports, you risk being stoned to death with sustainably-sourced quinoa.
Let’s recap:
– Women’s matches often struggle to fill stadiums unless the tickets are free, include a half-time prosecco , and come with a free childcare voucher
– The men’s game generates billions, pays wages that make Wall Street blush, and is watched by everyone from toddlers, to pensioners and the dog
– But apparently, they should now be treated as equal…
because “equality”
Welcome to Football Communism – where revenue, viewership, and physicality don’t matter, as long as feelings are preserved and hashtags are satisfied.
Next up: we’ll be demanding the same prize money for the Women’s 5-a-side team at the local leisure centre because “they tried really hard and that’s what counts.”
Soon, we’ll be handing out golden boots to players who felt they could’ve scored, and awarding hat-tricks to anyone who identifies as having kicked a ball in a previous life.
By 2030, England will win the World Cup after declaring gender irrelevant, selecting a mixed squad of centre-backs, drama students , and two golden retrievers named “Hope” and “Empathy”.
And the keeper?
She’ll be 5’2”, wearing rainbow gloves, and the crossbar will be lowered to meet her emotional needs.
Because it’s 2025, and reality has been substituted for inclusivity in the 88th minute.
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For more top-tier nonsense, overcooked outrage, and rainbow-fuelled reality checks, visit us at http://www.PocketBot.me/groups/the-wokey-pokey – where satire still has a season ticket.
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#WokeyPokeyFC #EqualityOverAccuracy #FeelingsFC #SteamPoweredStriker #RainbowRage #BallStillOrbiting #EuroCupDrama #FootballCommunism #OwnGoalOfTheWeek #SatireNotSorry
