Too Hunky for Blackpool
Blackpool, UK — Chaos broke out at Coral Island this weekend when a man described by witnesses as “dangerously sexy” was escorted off the premises for causing a mass distraction.
Witnesses say the man, known locally as “Baz the Bronze”, strutted down the seafront like an endangered species from Love Island Season Negative-One. Onlookers reported blinding reflections from his oily tan and a waft of Lynx Africa strong enough to stun a tram driver.
“He walked past the 2p machines and everyone just stopped playing,” said Doreen, 58, who hasn’t seen action since Thatcher left office.
The man wore a skin-tight tank top reading “BLACKPOOL OR BUST”, gold chain flapping in the wind like a Tesco Value cape. A balding crown peeked out beneath slicked-back hair, and the word “LIVE LAUGH LOVE” was tattooed down one veiny arm — directly beneath a tribute to an ex called “Shaz x4Ever.”
A white splatter of fresh seagull shit gleamed on his bicep, though Baz insisted it was “just pre-workout foam.”
“He made me question my marriage, my life, and why I’m still in Blackpool,” said one clearly shaken man.
On his knuckles, the words LOVE and HATE were inked in wobbly Comic Sans. Rumour has it one of the tattoos was done during a stag do gone wrong, involving four pints, one tattoo gun, and zero regrets.
Locals say Baz is part of a growing subculture known as “Hench Hooligan Chic” — a blend of gym addiction, spiritual one-liners, and regrettable permanent decisions.
- He claims to bench press “emotions”
- He’s banned from at least three tanning salons
- His protein shake allegedly contains Monster, gravy, and creatine
Local councillors are said to be reviewing emergency legislation to cap bicep circumference during tourist season. Seagulls have issued a joint statement condemning the incident and demanding hazard pay.
“It was like watching a Chihuahua try to seduce a chip,” said one unimpressed seagull.
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